Q: My sister and I are worried about a problem that becomes even more serious with the advent of summer. How does a lady politely and discreetly deal with perspiration?
Miss Manners says: A lady does not perspire. When dear Orson Wells married Rita Hayworth someone spoke of her as “sweating,” and he responded coldly, “Horses sweat. People perspire. Miss Hayworth glows.” There is nothing wrong with being a little dewy when it is hot out, within reason, of course.
Your Head Bitch says: You know how ladies in old movies are always excusing themselves to go powder their noses? They are actually just going to freshen up whatever sweating problem they have, and, assuming Rita Hayworth is involved, talk some shit on the other people at dinner. Your Head Bitch, who does find that she “glows” a little more during meals, also suggests this - go to the rest room, dab your face with a cool towel, and then a dry towel, and then touch up your makeup and go back looking good as new. In a pinch, like if you’re in a place with no restroom, carry a cloth handkerchief to dab your “sweat-stache” with to keep it from getting too egregious, while cursing whoever it was that decided June should have 30 days, but July AND August should both have 31.
Of course facial sweat is one thing, body sweat is entirely another. For other assorted problems, I say this: Certain Dri. Live it. Love it. Will its unbelievable sweat stopping powers kill you some day? Maybe. But for now, it’s 100% worth it. And, if you’re feeling bad about how much you are glowing as a lady, just remember that the gentleman are always, always, sweating way more than you could possibly imagine.
I’m sorry I’ve been on a .gif kick lately, but come on, this is perfect.