Q: I just turned 43. I’ve worked hard to achieve a level of success I’m comfortable with and have taken pretty good care of myself. In short, I am happy to be exactly where I am in life. When my birthday rolled around, a number of people gave sly winks and said, “Oh, are you 21 now?” or “Turning 30?” At first, I responded truthfully that I wouldn’t go back to 21 or 30, as those years were hard and my 40s have been the best years of my life. But this seemed to offend the people in those age groups. What is an appropriate response to these types of comments? I feel like they imply that I would want to deny getting older, which I don’t. In fact, I welcome it.
Miss Manners says: A response to those rudely guessing your age? Miss Manners suggests a simple, if purposely oblivious, “No, I’m not 21.” With no smile and no follow-up.
Your Head Bitch says: I usually go with something along the lines of “Surely you’re not asking a lady’s age?” or “I know your mother taught you better than to ask a lady’s age!” If you can, try to add a little wink or a teasing smile, as that ducks the question without making the other person feel too ill at ease. But also: do not ask a lady’s age, jesus christ.
Do not try me!
Q: Could you suggest alternative replies to “I’m sorry” when one hears bad or unsettling news from family or friends? When one hears “I lost my job,” “My husband has cancer” or other bad news, a common response is “I’m sorry” to show our empathy. Yet, “I’m sorry” is a sort of apology, accepting one’s responsibility for an undesirable outcome. And the bearer of bad news often replies, “You’ve nothing to be sorry about. You didn’t cause this.” An alternative might be a simple “I understand,” “That’s rough” or “Oh my. Tell me about it,” depending on the exact situation. What do you advise in today’s hypersensitive environment?
Miss Manners says: Not being so insensitive as to rebuff clear expressions of empathy. People do sometimes say hurtful things in response to suffering – usually some form of telling the sufferer to get over it – but “I’m sorry” is not one of them. Obviously what it means, in that context, is that one is sorry that such a bad thing happened. One can feel sorry about many things without being the agent who caused them. But if we are going to be persnickety about kind remarks, Miss Manners can think of objections to your suggestions:
“I understand” – no, you do not, because you are not going through the same thing.
“That’s rough” – sounds flippant when applied to a tragedy.
“Tell me about it” – confidences on sensitive matters should be voluntary, not solicited out of curiosity.
Your Head Bitch says: It’s a matter of being specific with language – you’re not sorry, you’re sorry they’re going through this. So say that instead. Your Head Bitch usually goes with some variation on: ‘How Awful! I’m so sorry you’re going through this!’ or 'How awful! I’m so sorry that happened!’ Though, to be honest, I think anyone who quibbles with people who say 'I’m sorry’ in response to bad news is just spoiling for a fight and not able to conjure up any empathy for the person speaking because of it and should probably take that up with their therapist. But as with most things, it’s helpful to be as specific as possible with your language too.
And definitely don’t make this face when you say it.
Q: I know this may sound like a silly question, but what exactly is the proper etiquette for getting on and off an elevator? Is there even a proper way? It seems that when people wait right by the door, it makes for an awkward moment when the doors open. But I, too, am guilty of waiting right at the door.
Miss Manners says: Rather than telling you to back off from the entrance, or to exit according to age, gender or any other factor you can discern instantly among your fellow passengers, Miss Manners will give you a guiding principle: Do not create logjams. Therefore, do not block the entrance to the elevator car so that people getting out will have to walk around you. Once inside, do not stand in the front if others are boarding. If you are not getting off at a particular floor, do not stand in the way of those who are. The principle even overrides conventionally polite gestures. For example, while it would be charming to let an older person exit first, do not do so if your action would block others from exiting.
Your Head Bitch says: It’s not a silly question at all! In fact, I saw The Elevator Rules ™ violated not 4 days ago and definitely had some thoughts on those violators afterwards, though just to myself. Here are the key points to keep in mind:
- If you are in the elevator by yourself, stand in the middle, I don’t give a fuck. But if other people are boarding with you, or other people get on later, move. One fills in the edges first and the middle bit last.
- Further to that point: GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY. Don’t block the way in, don’t block the buttons, don’t block the way out. Sometimes this means removing yourself from the elevator on a floor that’s not yours to let people out and holding the door for yourself to get back in. Show some lateral thinking and clear a fucking path. If you’re trying to hold the door for a lady (which we always appreciate) it still counts if you do it from outside the elevator.
- If the elevator is too full, wait for another. Yes, it’s annoying, but that’s life sometimes. Do not over-stuff the elevator and make us worry it’s going to get stuck.
- If the elevator is crowded TAKE OFF YOUR FUCKING BAG. Nobody wants your fucking backpack or purse clanging into them while you’re swinging it like a battering ram trying to see who is getting off. Nor do they want to squeeze through two backpacks blocking their path like laundry through a wringer. It’s less than a minute. Just hold the damned thing.
- Do not use the elevators in case of emergency (in case you missed your last fire drill).
- If you end up by the buttons, be alert and responsive to floor requests.
- Do not be on a phone call. It’s not going to stay connected, and you’re going to piss off everyone else with your loudness. Finish your call where you are, or call the person back.
- Finally, and I cannot emphasize this enough: GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY. If you hear someone say “excuse me” do not assume you are not the problem, make sure the way is clear.
The elevator is perhaps the most aggressively egalitarian social space. Embrace it for the brief time you are there. You are not better than anyone else in here, and we all have to look out for each other. We are all citizens of the elevator now.
These rules are correct and not up for debate or interpretation.
Q: I picked up grocery items for a dear friend who was busy setting up a small dinner party. She said she would send me the money on an app. I sent her a screenshot of the receipt, took the items to her and even helped her finish setting up. She repeated that she’d send me the funds. It’s been five days and she’s not mentioned it again. I want to be gentle with my request, and don’t want to sound desperate, but I need that $80 back.
Miss Manners says: “Did the app work? I don’t think I received anything from you yet. Please let me know if you need me to resend the receipt.”
Your Head Bitch says: You need to head all this off at the pass by just sending the request for the amount owed in the app from the start. Sure, send the receipt, but don’t leave the onus on your friend to initiate the transfer. Send it yourself and then they can send you the money (without having to do any math!) with one click. I’d try the same tactic now – send a text that says something like ‘I’m so sorry, I realize I neglected to send you the venmo request for the groceries the other day – just wanted to let you know I’m sending it now so you weren’t confused!’ And then send your request - I guarantee she’ll deal with it immediately. Following up on an action point on their end puts them on the back foot – following up with your action point disarms them. Good luck girl!
Not if I get yours first!
Q: I took a friend out for a nice lunch to thank her for supporting me through a hard time. At the restaurant, she looked through the entire menu and picked the least expensive dish. I encouraged her to order whatever she wanted, including any appetizers, but she seemed too shy. I was raised to spend less than the person treating you, so I assumed that she was taught the same. Finally, I told her that I planned to order the most expensive thing on the menu, which convinced her that she could get what she actually wanted. Unfortunately, I didn’t want the food I ended up with! I’d happily do this again to put a guest at ease, but it feels silly to spend extra money on food I like less. I hope that Miss Manners has a more graceful way to assure my guests that they don’t need to mind my budget.
Miss Manners says: Oh, the irony: not ordering what you want in order to convince your guest to order what she wants. It is indeed a conundrum. Miss Manners’ true answer is that a polite host refrains from monitoring their guests’ choices, even if they have suspicions about their motivation. But if saying, “Please, this is my treat and my way to thank you for your generosity. Order whatever you like” does not work the first time, get yourself a fancy drink or appetizer and hope your guest will feel free to join you.
Your Head Bitch says: You should have still ordered what you wanted – since your friend ordered the cheapest thing on the menu, surely you were already spending more! I would have then executed what I call the Trojan Horse Appetizer to try and force the issue. ‘Oh, I was planning to get the spinach dip as an appetizer, would you split that with me? If not, please pick something that sounds good to you so we can split! It’s too much food for me alone.’ Repeat as necessary with dessert. And be sure to really hammer home at the end how grateful you are for her love and care and how glad you were to be able to treat her today. Hopefully next time she’ll feel more comfortable.
Eat! Eat! I’m trying to thank you!
“Caring for others is the highest expression of humanity.”
– Harriet Beecher Stowe
Q: A friend called me, on two separate occasions, to complain about my daughter’s behavior towards her daughter at school. I was a bit taken aback because when my daughter is at school, her teacher is responsible for her. I do not homeschool, and cannot control my daughter when she is not in my presence. Initially, I offered an apology. When it happened a second time, I was annoyed, but said “thank you.” I contacted the school and let them know my daughter was experiencing social/relational aggression with schoolmates. Since then, my supposed friend hasn’t contacted me. I feel that she has reacted emotionally and taken this situation personally. What is the correct way to respond when a parent is contacted by another parent, and still maintain their respect and friendship?
Miss Manners says: Your friend feels that parental responsibility is not a switch to be turned off merely because a child is out of sight. As Miss Manners agrees with her, her suggestion to you is that you listen, investigate (if important specifics are in doubt), and respond.
Your Head Bitch says: I beg your pardon?! Your responsibility for your daughter does not vanish while she’s at school, honey. Her teacher is not ‘responsible’ for her - she is teaching her. But whatever work she does can only go so far if it is not reinforced and assisted from home. This is a frankly terrifying attitude, both for the school and the teacher and your child’s long-term abilities to be a healthy and functioning person in the world. She’s not learning conflict resolution or emotional management, she’s learning she can do whatever she wants and you’d rather ignore it than help her figure it out. She’s not learning how to be accountable, she can just not address whatever she has done that might have hurt people. And she’s certainly not learning that you’re someone she can be safe, and vulnerable, and honest with about difficult or complicated things in her life. That’s certainly not your 'responsibility’ – as if the emotional connection she has with adults at school could ever be deeper than the one she is meant to have with you, for fuck’s sake.
I’m offended that this is your approach to parenting and would encourage you to have a good hard look in the mirror. Your friend is calling you to try and resolve this without the school because she’s trying to help you both – she wants to resolve the situation without getting the kids in 'trouble’ at school. This is normal and healthy – a punitive approach absolutely does not need to be the first port of call here when things could be resolved by talking through it or gently correcting a behavior at home the first time. All of this is to say you are absolutely the problem here. Look at your life, look at your choices, see a therapist, probably, and sort your shit the fuck out. It’s not just you being affected by your inability to own up to your responsibilities.
I said what I said.
Q: My husband and I are planning to sell our house and move into an apartment. The timing is tricky, in that we are hoping to sell our house before the apartment is completed. A close friend asked me what we would do if our house didn’t sell. I told her we preferred to be optimistic. She then proceeded to tell me about a friend of hers who is trying to sell her house, but had four offers fall through. I thought her question and the story she volunteered were both out of line. How should I reply if she keeps on asking these questions?
Miss Manner says: “Well, I suppose if we can’t sell the house in time, we would have to give up the apartment. We would still keep the house on the market, though, and meanwhile, I thought we would move in with you! It is so good to know that we can always fall back on the kindness of our friends.”
Your Head Bitch says: I suspect your friend, like many of us, has anxiety. For those of us that suffer with it, our brains force us to consider every bad thing that could possibly happen so we’re prepared for it. Do the good ones come up, you may be wondering? Indeed they do not. We get to be relieved when those happen, but we only truly prepare for (and ruminate on, during the hours we should be sleeping), the bad. Which is to say, I don’t think she’s sharing these stories to stress you out or upset you. She’s trying to help, in her own way. For people with anxiety, this is normal – we worry about our dear friends as much as we do ourselves. If you’re not going to worry about it for yourself, she’s going to do it for you. So, to me a snarky response as Miss M suggests, is deeply incorrect here. As is your annoyance. You’d hardly be annoyed with a friend if she voiced her care for you out loud, would you? I think the right thing to do is simply to say, ‘You’re sweet to worry, but we’ll cross that bridge when and if we come to it, not to worry.’ She will still worry, but probably keep it to herself, because the last thing she needs to worry about on top of everything else is that you’re annoyed with her too.
You don’t know what it’s like in this brain! Try a little compassion.
Q: The wedding of the son of a good friend is coming up in a few weeks. I have known about this for months, and my husband and I planned to attend. A few days ago, our elderly neighbor died. We were close with him and his wife, sharing occasional dinners, impromptu movie nights, and hours spent visiting and talking. His memorial service has just been announced, and of course, it is scheduled to overlap with the wedding. My friend whose son is getting married has already expressed frustration with others who have RSVP’d “no” to the wedding. My husband and I do not feel that either party would be happy if we split the events (if one of us attended the wedding and one attended the memorial). The memorial is more important than the wedding, and we can still attend the reception afterward. What is your suggestion? I may be putting my friendship on the line, but how can I not fully support my elderly neighbor in her time of grief?
Miss Manners says: Miss Manners would support your both attending the funeral, with appropriate apologies to the bride, the bridegroom and the bridegroom’s mother. Neither the neighbor nor your friend may be happy if you attend one event and your husband the other – but neither will either party be in a position to voice discontent without sounding heartless. That the funeral is more important than the wedding need not be mentioned to the bridal family.
Your Head Bitch says: I would be fully in favor of you skipping the service part of the wedding for the funeral and attending the reception later. After all, the church is not charging per head, the caterer is. So you can express your deep regret at missing the ceremony without throwing off your friend’s head count. I think in selling the plan to her to her Miss M is right and you should avoid saying the funeral is ‘more important’ to you. Instead I might say 'We’re so sorry to miss the service, but we’re extremely close to the widow and the deceased and this is all very sudden. Of course we would not miss the wedding except for the most serious of emergencies, but we are so happy to be able to join you at the reception to celebrate, if you’ll still have us.’ If you’re feeling cheeky - lord knows I always am - and want to break the tension, you might add, 'We promise not to show up in all black.’ Then, I might recommend splashing out a little more than usual on a wedding gift, and while you’re at it sending a bouquet of flowers or something else small to your friend after the wedding. Ostensibly, this is to thank her for having you, but it’s not NOT an apology as well. That should cover you. And be sure to pop over and check on your neighbor the next day as well - the days after the funeral are when she’ll need your support most.
It’s not like you’re passing up the wedding for a better offer, keep that in mind. You’re trying to be supportive to multiple important people in your life.
Q: I am a referee. I used to only call friendly games, but recently began refereeing professionally, as well. General etiquette demands that I am thanked at the end of games for refereeing. How do I properly respond to the thanks? After all, I am getting paid to be there and enjoy my job, so I don’t think a “You’re welcome” is appropriate. How do you advise I respond to expressions of gratitude for just doing my job?
Miss Manners says: We thank lots of people for doing their jobs, and rightly so. But if you do not like the conventional “You are welcome,” Miss Manners suggests, “I appreciate your saying that.” She has heard of a lot less gracious treatment of referees by those who are dissatisfied with the outcome of the game.
Your Head Bitch says: I think Miss M’s suggestion is a great one. In case you want to mix it up, here are a couple more options: ‘It’s my pleasure.’ 'Always great being out here with you guys.’ 'Thanks for a great game.’ Miss M is also right that you may encounter people who may not be so keen to thank you, so you might also tuck 'I understand you are frustrated but this is neither professional or appropriate’ in your back pocket as well.
The longer you do it, I expect the more you’ll appreciate the thank yous when they come.
Q: When receiving personal calls, I appreciate it when the caller begins, “Do you have a few moments?” or “Is this a good time to talk?” Among friends and relatives, we often text or email to schedule “phone dates” to be prepared for a lengthy call. But how can one politely respond when an acquaintance phones at an inconvenient time and immediately embarks on a lengthy discussion about the latest in his/her life? This does not apply, of course, to calls about a crisis, such as severe illness or death.
Miss Manners says: If it is an inconvenient time, do not answer the telephone. Miss Manner realizes this goes against every modern instinct, but etiquette, along with common sense, does not require you to be available for small talk every minute of every day.
Your Head Bitch says: Oh my god, I cannot tell you how strongly I feel about this. There are people of a certain age (we need not get into specifics for risk of pointing fingers, but they tend to be older) who feel you must answer every single call come hell or high water. In fact, you mustn’t. It’s outrageous to expect every person in your address book to be at your beck and call every waking minute of the day. I certainly don’t expect it when I pick up the phone and place a call! And yet these people will get annoyed with you for calling at a bad time like you picked it intentionally. If it’s not a good time, simply don’t pick up! That’s what answering machines are for. If it’s urgent, I’ll say so, but if I don’t it’s fine! There’s no rush, call me back when it’s convenient. I do not mind either if someone is busy with something and picks up to say, ‘Head Bitch, I’m busy with something, but I’ll be free in 10 minutes, can I call you then?’ But if they didn’t answer I wouldn’t bat an eye either. Please, please, for everyone’s sanity, embrace doing the same.
If you’re going to be making an intense face when you pick up, please just spare me. I didn’t call to stress either of us out.
Q: My ex-wife and I recently stretched to contribute a good deal of money to our daughter’s wedding. Is there any expectation that we should also give her a wedding present? It never occurred to me, but my ex and I seem to be getting some shade from relatives who keep asking what we gave the happy couple as a gift. (By the way, none of this is coming from our daughter.) I just say, “We gave them a wedding,” but now I have questions.
Miss Manners says: It is sadly easy to see why otherwise perfectly behaved wedding couples get coerced into greed. Whether or not you got the couple a present is none of your relatives’ business. So it is not for their sake, but for your impeccably behaved daughter’s, that Miss Manners suggests that if you want to give the couple something, perhaps you or your ex-wife could offer a family heirloom or other sentimental item. That it will quell the shade from your family is an added advantage – one that the rest of us know they do not deserve.
Your Head Bitch says: ‘We gave her a wedding’ is exactly the correct answer. And god bless your daughter for not indulging this nonsense otherwise. I can only image she is truly grateful and appreciative of all you did to make her wedding day special. That said, Miss M’s suggestion is a good one – a commemorative heirloom is the perfect something to pass along for such an occasion that will not further tax your budget. To be clear, you are not required to give her a gift other than the one you did (indeed, no one is obligated to give wedding gifts, as we have said many, many, many times). But it is absolutely a nice gesture that will give your clearly charming daughter another special memory, and shut up your relatives, so what’s the harm in that?
Also, send these ding dongs to me to set straight too, but sometimes we have out own lives to live, you know?
“Taking care is one way to show your love. Another way is letting people take good care of you when you need it.”
- Fred Rogers
Q: What is the proper way to excuse oneself to use the ladies’ room, particularly in a formal setting?
Miss Manners says: “Excuse me.” Or if the occasion is truly that formal, “Excuse me, Your Majesty.”
Your Head Bitch says: Your Head Bitch has always struggled with just ‘excuse me.’ I’m always in for a little mystery, but I find it a tad too confusing for your dining companions. 'Where is is going? Is she okay? Will she return?’ is exactly what I don’t want them to be asking themselves. Of course, you also don’t want to give the actual context for where you’re going, which is not conducive to dinner conversation or eating. This is why women used to claim they were going to powder their noses – it said where they were going and why they wouldn’t be long without saying too much. Of course, that euphemism is a bit worn out at this point, so your Head Bitch has, personally, settled on saying instead, 'Excuse me, I’ll be back in just a moment.’ It’s suitably mysterious, but doesn’t leave anyone too concerned for your well-being.
Is she coming back? We simply don’t know!
Q: I am 82 years old. A new acquaintance, a woman about 70, recently saw some photos in my home of the younger me. She asked, “As an old woman, is it difficult for you, having been beautiful?” I ignored the question and she didn’t pursue it. For the record: I was never beautiful, but I was photogenic, and as a professional in the fashion and beauty industry, I made the most of my looks. What should I have replied?
Miss Manners says: “Why? Are you finding it difficult to be beautiful?”
Your Head Bitch says: Jesus Christ that’s a rude thing to say. My compliments for not either smacking her or staring at her blinking until she realized what an awful thing she had said. I think not pursuing it is perfectly acceptable if you don’t want to clap back or get into it, so you handled it very well. I, because I rarely decline an opportunity to clap back, would have replied ‘I don’t think you meant to say I’m not beautiful, did you?’ This lets you make your point but allows the person to save face as well, which is usually a good solution, in my mind. I would also accept laughing and saying 'I think you might want to reword that question to make it not sound like you’re calling me ugly’ if you prefer, which is a little gentler.
You are. We love you. xo